Quantum Leaping: The Part of Me That Knew (Before I Did)

I think I’ve been trying to quantum leap since the 90s.
I just didn’t know that’s what it was called.

Back then, I was a psychology major at university, totally lit up by the idea of understanding people and why we do what we do. But also quietly icked by Freud, and frustrated — because everything felt black and white. Like we were missing the soul of the thing. The part that lives in the gray. The part that can’t be diagnosed or solved, but only experienced.

I remember feeling this itch. This "there's-something-more" tension. I squirmed every time I looked into grad programs and wondered how to get back to that magic of the mind. After lots of searcing, I knew tht the Naropa Institute had the answer — Buddhist psychology, contemplative studies, all the stuff that felt true in my bones.

But I walked away because it wasn’t practical. It wasn’t what you were supposed to do. I have always had the spirit of a rebel, but it got blanketed by my extreme people pleasing nature. So, instead of going my route and instead of going the "proper" route, I just went no route. I left school and psychology behind.

Then... life happened. Or more accurately, I disappeared inside a life that wasn’t mine.

Over 20 years spent shrinking (thanks narcissistic abuse). Making myself smaller, quieter, more "agreeable." The itch never left, though. It just got quieter. Trickier. It started showing up as this desperate need to fix everything — to find some answer that would finally make me feel safe in my mind and body. I tried everything. I would get so close, feel a spark… and then pull away because something was off. This left me feeling like I was being difficult, uncooperative, a stuck failure.

But what I realize now is:

I wasn’t rejecting help.
I was rejecting half-truths.

I was trying to find a way to leap without having language for it. I was trying to collapse the space between who I was and who I remembered I could be — but I didn’t even know that was a thing. So I circled and circled. Got close. Backed away. Got mad. Got tired. Tried again.

And now… here I am.
Finally realizing I wasn’t broken, I was early.

I wanted to quantum leap before I knew what quantum leaping was.
I wanted to shift timelines, collapse stories, and embody a version of me I couldn’t even visualize yet — I just felt her. Even when everything else said no, she whispered yes.

So this is the beginning of a new chapter.
One where I stop chasing certainty and start dancing with possibility.
One where I commit to becoming the version of me that already knows how this ends — not in a desperate sprint to “success,” but in a quiet, powerful click of alignment.

This blog is where I’ll tell the story in real time.
The messy middle, the surprising magic, the tiny brave actions.
This is where I’ll share the journey of showing up as her — the version of me who’s already living the life I’m stepping into.

Let’s leap.