My Spark Journey: Chicago, Dengue, and A Mind Shift

The Unexpected Spark: Finding Clarity in the Midst of Illness

Let’s rewind to 2019. I had been in a toxic relationship for twenty years.We’re talking all the signs: narcissistic abuse, gaslighting, financial control, being so emotionally beat down that I lost all the pieces of who I was. It was all right there in front of me every day. But back then? I had no clue. Well, not consciously, anyway. So much of my energy went into obsessively trying to find the exact perfect way to say things so that THIS TIME I would be understood. THIS TIME there would be no explosion. THIS TIME I wouldn't be mocked or told that I´m dramatic or crazy. Spoiler alert: There is no right way to say anything to a narcissist.

By this point, though, something inside me was reaching for more. I had a bit of money after my parents passed, so I thought, “Screw it; I’m taking the kids on the trip of a lifetime.” My kids were three and five, and neither of them had ever been to the U.S and I hadn't been back in almost a decade. So, I planned a whole month away: two weeks in Chicago, a week in my hometown in Michigan, and another week in Chicago before heading back. It felt like a fresh breath, a spark of freedom we all desperately needed.

Hello USA and Hello Sickness

We touched down in Chicago, and I felt ready to take on the world. Then, standing in the customs line, wham—I got hit with the worst sickness I’ve ever known. Fever, chills, body aches that made me feel like I’d been run over. And this wasn’t just a little flu; this was my body saying, “Girl, you’ve got some stuff to let out.” It was weird because leading up to the trip, I had been so scared of everything. Heading to a big US city with two young kids after being on a quiet island for so long had me all kinds of stressed. But, as that sickness socked me, I felt nothing but calm, peace, and joy. It was almost like my body knew I was finally safe enough to unravel a bit, safe enough to just let it all crash down for a minute.

My energy was focused on the excitement of the days ahead instead of trying to unravel the latest mindfuckery that is constant with a narcissist. I literally cannot put into words the difference in mental energy.

Bathtub!!!

I joke that we were like the Beveryly Hillbillies (I realize no one under 50 knows what that means) because we were removed from so many parts of normal, modern life. When we walked into our hotel room, we all screamed to see there was a bathtub! A hot bath is one of the biggest loves of my life and something I sorely missed in Mexico. My beautiful babies had never seen a tub or had two knobs on the faucet. When I told them that one knob was for hot water, there was more happy screaming.

We had our first important Chicago mission! Drop all the bags and run to the elevators! We needed to find a store that sold bubble bath. We ran out to streets we didn't know and somehow to a CVS, which was just about to close, and I begged the cashier, “Please, just give us one

minute!” I swear we ran through the aisles and almost directly to the bubble baths. Grabbed one and ran to the checkout. I told the cashier that this was going to be my kids' first bubble bath ever, and even their first time with hot running water and her face lit up. She started asking all these sweet questions, genuinely excited for us. It was one of the purest, most beautiful interactions I have ever had. All these years later, my kids still remember her.

That bathtub brought new levels of joy to my kids. And it showed up for me just when I needed it most. Holy moly was I sick. My chills were so bad I honestly don't know how I would have gotten through without soaking in that amazingly hot water.

If You're Gonna Get Dengue, Get it Away from a Narcissist

The illness got worse. Much worse. Turned out it wasn’t just some cold—it was dengue fever, and not just any dengue; it was hemorrhagic dengue, the kind that knocks you flat out. But here’s the weird part: even though I was alone with two little kids in a city I didn’t know, dangerously sick, I felt…free. My mind was calmer than it had been in years.

There was no one telling me I was wrong, no one twisting my words, no one doing unforgiable acts and then playing the victim. It was just me, my kids, and this absolutely amazing city. Somehow, I managed to get them to parks, museums, little adventures every day—even if I had to nap under a slide or wrap myself in 10 layers to stop the shivering. We were happy. It was simple and messy and real.

And Space Was Made

Those two weeks created a kind of space I didn’t even know I needed. It’s like I finally had a moment to just exist, without anyone else’s expectations or judgments hanging over me. I was not constantly on alert for protecting my kids from being gaslit or hurt by broken promises. I still hadn't put two and two together, not completely anyway.

Shortly after getting home, some women from an online group very gently presented the idea of the kids' father (I prefer to never use the H word) could be a narcissist. I’d heard the term before, but this time it hit me in the gut. For the first time, it all clicked: the manipulation, the endless trying to fix things that weren’t mine to fix, the constant exhaustion. I started to see it all.

The Journey Begins

That trip was the beginning of a shift I couldn’t have planned if I’d tried. With just a little bit of mental space, life can hand you these little sparks of truth and joy if you’re open to seeing them. Without that space, I had never been able to actually absorb the word "narcissist" before. There was just no room in my mental chaos to let anything healing in.

I think, on it's own, the trip to Chicago would not have created the space I needed. It was being so sick and somehow feeling that it was the best timed illness ever. Had I been that sick at home, I would have also been piled on with the anger and resentment of having to take care of everything while a healthy adult sat by.

Having that sigh of releif, the energy placed on just me and my children, that is what created the mental and emotional space I needed.

So, if you’re feeling trapped or stuck, remember—it might not come as a lightbulb moment. Sometimes it’s more like a tiny crack that lets in the light. Those little cracks can be enough to change everything.