How To Take Baby Steps Back to Feeling Joy After Emotional Abuse

Why It’s So Hard to Feel Joy After Emotional Abuse—and How to Take Baby Steps Back to It

Joy. Such a simple word. Three little letters! So light. So effortless. Yet for women who’ve survived emotional abuse, joy can feel like an impossibility—a foreign language you can’t quite remember how to speak.

For years, joy wasn’t something you could reach. Maybe it wasn’t allowed. Maybe it was punished, mocked, or twisted into proof of how “spoiled” or “selfish” you were. Emotional abuse steals your ability to feel good because it’s designed to keep you small, ashamed, and doubting yourself. And when you live like that for years—or decades—joy starts to feel unsafe.

For me, joy wasn’t just hard to find—it felt wrong. A stolen moment of laughter or calm could send me spiraling into guilt or fear. I'd be mocked for finding humor in something and shamed for trying to lighten the mood with humor. Extra sad because that was once one of my superpowers and I gave it up.

And feeling calm? Never. One time in a period of 20 years, when I was home alone, I decided to turn on the TV and watch something. I lasted 5 mintues. I literally felt like I was going to jump out of my skin and jumped to my feet anytime I imaged someone nearing the front door. Relaxing was bad, selfish, lazy. Joy in any form was reason to feel shame and guilt.

But here’s the truth I finally found:
Joy is not something you earn. It’s your birthright. It keeps you, YOU.

Why Joy Feels So Far Away

If you’re struggling to reconnect to joy, I want you to know you’re not broken. Emotional abuse rewires how you feel about yourself, your worth, and even your right to happiness.

Here are a few reasons joy feels so hard to reach after abuse:

1. You were conditioned to fear it.
   Abusers often use joy against you. Did you dare to linger in the hot shower? You were “spoiled.” Did you enjoy something? It was “too much” or “not enough.” Over time, joy becomes a trigger for punishment, so you shut it down to stay safe.

2. You lost your sense of self.
   Emotional abuse strips away your identity. You’ve spent so long surviving someone else’s chaos, you may not even know what makes you feel alive anymore.

3. You feel guilty for choosing yourself.
   After years of being told you’re selfish for even existing, doing something joyful can feel like an act of rebellion—one you’re not sure you’re brave enough to take.

4. Joy feels vulnerable.
   Letting yourself feel good—truly good—opens the door to hope. And hope feels risky when life has been a cycle of disappointment and hurt. Staying numb feels safer.

But numbness isn’t living. It’s surviving. And you, beautiful soul, deserve so much more than survival.(Talking to myself here too)

How to Take Baby Steps Back to Joy

Reclaiming joy doesn’t mean forcing yourself to feel happy overnight. It starts with small, gentle sparks. Here are some simple steps to help you begin:

1. Reclaim 5 Minutes of Music
Think of one song that makes you feel calm, light, or you. Play it, breathe it in, let yourself feel the edges of joy again. If it’s too much, that’s okay. Try again tomorrow. I was terrified to listen to "my" music, even after opening my eyes to my situation. Not only because of it feeling like an indulgence, music makes you FEEL. Like really, really feel. And that is terrifying after years of being shut down.

2. Create a “Safe Joy” List
Joy feels overwhelming when it’s undefined. Start with small, safe things that spark a flicker of good feelings:

• Drinking tea in silence.

• Sitting in the sun.

• Watching birds outside your window. (and if you're me, naming and chatting with each one)
  These aren’t grand gestures—they’re tiny, gentle steps.

3. Allow Yourself to Smile—Even Just a Little
Sometimes you have to give yourself permission to feel good. Whisper to yourself:
“It’s safe for me to feel this.”

4. Notice One Beautiful Thing Each Day
Joy often starts with noticing. A flower growing through the pavement. The way your child laughs. The smell of fresh coffee. These are “tiny treasures” you can collect without asking too much of yourself.

5. Practice This Phrase: “I Get to Choose How I Feel.”
Repeat it to yourself every morning. Write it down. Whisper it when guilt creeps in. You may not control your circumstances, but you can choose this small moment, right here.

Joy Is a Gentle Rebellion

After years of being told you weren’t enough, finding joy is an act of bravery. It’s a declaration that you are still here—alive, worthy, and open to light.

And maybe, right now, you don’t feel ready to claim joy. That’s okay. Just let yourself notice it. Sit with it. Believe, even if it’s just a whisper, that you deserve it.

Because you do.

Start small. Start messy. But start. The sparks will follow.