Small Acts, Big Love: How to Use Self-Care to Build Real Self-Love
Self-Care in the Face of Resistance: My First Step Toward Choosing Me
For twenty years, I denied myself every possible act of self-love and care because, living with a narcissist, it felt dangerous. Any time I used for myself—whether to rest, have fun, or socialize—was called selfish. Any money I spent was labeled spoiled and wasteful. Even something as basic as mentioning that I needed a new prescription for glasses would trigger an attack about how much of a “spoiled brat” I was.
By the time I finally opened my eyes and understood what was happening, the financial abuse had left me in a place where self-care felt impossible. I couldn’t justify spending even a few dollars on myself, no matter how small the need. Living in the tropics, I had gone without sunscreen or moisturizer for 20 years. I reached the point where he didn't even need to say anything because I didn’t believe I deserved care—not even the most basic kind.
And then one day, a woman traveler I’d been introduced to was leaving the island and asked if I wanted a few things she was leaving behind. I said yes. Among the odds and ends she gave me were a few small bottles of facial serums.
I remember being in awe. This woman had traveled across the world, and she’d still taken the time and money to care for herself. I don’t know why, but it was mind-blowing to me. I had spent two decades purposfully not caring for myself, and here was this woman showing me a completely different perspective.
Those little bottles felt so magical and empowering in my hands. They gave me permission to start seeing myself differently. Even after discovering that the serums had gone bad and smelled rancid, I still put them on my face every day. For the first time in twenty years, I did something just for me.
That moment taught me something profound: self-care doesn’t have to be perfect or expensive. It doesn’t have to look like what anyone else is doing. What matters is that it means something to you. For me, those rancid serums were a tiny act of rebellion, a spark of self-love I didn’t even know I had the capacity for.
I feel pretty solid in saying that no change can take place- no movement out of Stuckville- until you can start caring for yourself and in the process, learning to love yourself.
Small Acts, Big Love: How to Use Self-Care to Build Real Self-Love (No Scale, No Shame)
When it comes to self-care and self-love, one of the biggest traps we fall into is the idea of a scale. We compare ourselves to others—or even to past versions of ourselves—and decide that our small acts of care are somehow less valuable than someone else’s grand gesture. But here’s the truth: self-care doesn’t have a hierarchy. Whether you manage to brush your teeth after weeks of feeling stuck or you complete a 10K run, the message you are sending to yourself is the same: I am worthy of care.
The Myth of “Big” Self-Care
Self-care has been commercialized to the point that it often feels unattainable. Spa days, fancy journals, elaborate skincare routines—they can feel out of reach, especially when you’re just trying to survive. But self-care isn’t about doing something big. It’s about doing something that says, “I see you, and you matter.”
If brushing your teeth is all you can do today, that is a radical act of self-love in that moment. If going for a walk feels nourishing, it’s no more or less valuable than writing pages of affirmations. The act itself isn’t what matters; it’s the message behind the act.
Examples of Self-Care at Different Stages (and Affirmations to Match)
When You’re at Rock Bottom: Surviving the Day
Self-Care Examples:
Brushing your teeth.
Drinking a glass of water.
Sitting outside for two minutes.
Affirmations That Feel True:
“I am worthy of care, even in my hardest moments.”
“This small act is enough for today.”
“I am doing what I can, and that is okay.”
When You’re Starting to Feel a Tiny Spark
Self-Care Examples:
Tidying a small corner of your space.
Adding something nourishing to your meal (like chia seeds or a piece of fruit).
Taking a short walk or stretching for a minute.
Affirmations That Feel True:
“I am learning to care for myself in small ways.”
“This spark of care is enough to build on.”
“I deserve to feel good, even in tiny moments.”
When You’re Feeling More Grounded
Self-Care Examples:
Journaling your thoughts or feelings.
Doing something creative, like coloring or doodling.
Calling a friend or spending intentional time with a loved one.
Affirmations That Feel True:
“I am worthy of joy and connection.”
“I am creating space to discover what I need.”
“I care for myself because I deserve love and attention.”
When You’re Thriving
Self-Care Examples:
Trying a new hobby or activity.
Exercising in a way that feels good to you.
Setting boundaries to protect your time and energy.
Affirmations That Feel True:
“I honor my needs and boundaries.”
“I deserve to explore and expand.”
“My acts of care are a reflection of my love for myself.”
Feeling the Affirmation: Where Does It Land?
Affirmations are powerful tools, but they can feel hollow if they don’t connect with you emotionally. To bridge that gap, try this simple exercise:
Choose a Small Act You’ve Done Recently.
For example, brushing your teeth or drinking water.Pair It with a Gentle Affirmation.
For brushing your teeth: “I am worthy of care.”
For drinking water: “I nourish my body because it deserves love.”Pause and Reflect.
Say the affirmation out loud or in your mind.
Close your eyes and notice: Where do you feel it in your body?
A warmth in your chest?
A knot in your stomach?
Nothing at all?
If It Feels True:
Lean into that feeling. Sit with it for a moment and let it grow.If It Feels Untrue or Cringey:
That’s okay! Adjust the affirmation to something smaller or more neutral. For example:Instead of “I am worthy of care,” try “I am learning that I deserve care.”
Instead of “I nourish my body because it deserves love,” try “This sip of water helps me get through my day.”
What If the Feelings Aren’t There?
If you don’t feel anything—or if negative feelings come up—that’s normal, especially if self-love is new or feels unattainable. Here’s what you can do:
Acknowledge the Resistance.
Instead of judging yourself, notice the thought or feeling. For example: “This feels silly,” or “I don’t believe this yet.”Reframe the Experience.
Focus on the act itself, rather than the feeling. For example: “Brushing my teeth may not feel profound, but it’s an act of care for my body.”Stay Curious.
Over time, small acts and affirmations can begin to shift how you feel. Be patient with yourself as you build this practice.
Final Thoughts
There is no scale when it comes to self-love and self-care. What matters is that you choose you in whatever way you can, wherever you are. A small act, paired with a true and gentle affirmation, can create space for feelings to emerge—maybe not all at once, but over time.
And if you’re not feeling it yet, that’s okay too. The act itself is enough. You are enough.
IF you feel ready to take some small, gentle steps towards self-love, check out Little Sparks, Big Love workbook and guide. And if you need to start even more gently, check out my free resources to help you find your first little sparks.
