The Smallest Step I Took That Started My Healing Journey

I am Mary: seeker of perfection, overanalyzer of all things. I’ve always believed that if I searched hard enough, I’d find the one perfect solution to every problem. Whether it was an oven mitt on Amazon or emotional healing, I wanted the right answer—the one that would fix everything. So, I’d overanalyze, read every review, and chase every expert’s advice. I was convinced that there was one big breakthrough out there, waiting for me. And if something didn’t work, I thought it was because I was broken.

But that belief kept me stuck for years.

The Healing Journey Micro-Breakthrough

Shortly after I realized I was living with a narcissist (for OVER TWO DECADES!!!!), I felt so much freer finally seeing the truth—but I also felt blank. I was emotionally disconnected from everything, even my kids. I would say "that made me cry" but in reality, it only made me desire to cry because the tears had stopped years ago.

When someone recommended a heart coherence meditation, I agreed to try it simply because I knew

she really wanted to help. The idea was simple: focus on someone you’re grateful for and bring that feeling into your heart. But when I tried it? Nothing. NOTHING. As in not a thing.

I couldn’t feel gratitude. I logically knew I loved my kids, but there was no warmth in my chest—just emptiness. #$%#! That is a terrifying realization. I told the woman who recommended it that it wasn’t working. She said something that stayed with me: “Keep doing it. Don’t worry about the outcome.” She let me know that I had to take my focus of what I thought I was supposed to get from it, and just see and accept my experience. Pfffft.

So, I did it—on blind hope. Every day for a month, I showed up for the meditation, even though I felt nothing. I did, however become convinced that I was broken and beyond repair.

The Tiny Spark

Then, one day, something happened.

I was lying on my bed, my daughter sleeping at the other end. I did as I had done for at least a month and put my hand over my heart and started breathing into my heart. I looked at my daughter and good ol´logic once again told me how much I loved her and how grateful I was for her. But this time I felt a tiny flutter of gratitude in my chest. It wasn’t big or sparkly—it was barely there. Didn't even last a second. But it was real. A feeling.

It took months before I felt it again. But that micro-second taught me something I’d never understood before: healing doesn’t come from one big solution. It comes from the tiniest sparks of hope that you nurture, even when you feel hopeless. And holy cow did I nurture that spark, even when I could no longer see or feel it.

The Truth About Healing

Healing isn’t shiny or linear. It’s not the montage moment where everything clicks. When you’re

carrying trauma and living in survival mode, healing doesn’t look like it does for most people. It’s messy. It’s full of fear and blankness. But the small sparks—the barely noticeable moments of hope—they’re enough.

Hope isn’t always bright and loud. Sometimes it’s quiet, mysterious, and even scary. But if you hold onto that spark, if you stay curious, it can grow into something you never thought you’d feel again.

The Takeaway

If you’re waiting for the one big breakthrough, I get it. I’ve been there. But healing doesn’t ask you to fix everything all at once—it just asks you to show up, even when you feel broken. Pay attention to the tiny sparks that flicker inside you, no matter how small. Trust that they matter.

Even a micro-second of hope can remind you that you’re still here. And that’s enough.

Continue reading about the power of wandering as part of your healing journey or head to my resource page to download some free guides to gently get your journey started. Want to try the simple heart coherence meditation? It is such a gentle way to start healing.